Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Biological Clock and Valentine's Day...


My biological clock is back on the wall. It's not ticking though. Well, not that I know of ! I'm not saying that I want a baby RIGH NOW. But in the near future ? Hell yes ! The problem is: I can't seem to find that special someone to make babies with.

One could say that I still have plenty of time... True. I'm about to turn 30 ; I'm still young. The fact is, everybody around me seems to be pregnant. Friends, collegues, friends of friends, cousins... Even my favorite little sister (who is 9 years YOUNGER than me by the way ) is expecting !! And the oh ! so many blogs that I read like a junky: they all just had a baby, about to have one or on their way to adoption !

And then you have the fear of not being a good mother. I didn't grew up in a normal family (believe me , I have a fairly broad definition of that word, so bear with me) My mother chose to have kids for some very wrong reasons. And left. She is back in our life but I am in my late 20s now and I don't need a mom like I did some 20 years ago. And my dad ? He had kids because it was the social thing to do. And he did nothing else. I learned pretty early in life that having costudy of your kids and being a father figure are 2 very different things. Nothing bad happened. Nothing happened. Point. We were grasping for his attention to a point that I even got kicked out of school, in grade 8, for selling hard liquor in a field trip ! The punishment ? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not even an evil eye...

And that makes me wonder. Will I ever end up like them ? I'm just hoping genetics has nothing to do with the way one raise his children and more with personal beliefs.

We had a good support system around us growing up though. Neighbours, teachers and each others. We were taught to be accepting of others, regardless of their color, gender, faith, origin or sexual orientation. We learned not to judge anybody. And we grew up knowing that we were allowed to fall in love with whoever we wanted. As long as that special someone had or used to have only 2 legs, a beating heart and a working brain.

But back to my biological clock...
I've been single for over a year now. I'm actually calling it my Sabbatical. I needed some real "me" time after my last relationship ended ; Time to get to know myself again and time to heal, psychologically and physically. I am ready to date again but I can't seem to find anyone. And I'm not that picky !! I am not even looking for a specific type... I'm just looking for love. Unconditional love that is... In the mean time, I am also a firm believer that you can't choose who you love ; Love chooses you. Can it be my turn now, please ?

Is it too much asking or its just that Valentine's Day depression talking ??

3 comments:

Nico said...

Si tu veux, on peut créer un club des déprimés de la Saint-Valentin ;-)

Anonymous said...

Yah, I guess your not to pickie. sorry but choosing is not a privilige, it's a responcibillity. ovecourse how are you to have known that when you were rasied in a permissive\neglected environment. but at the age of 30, and with the desier to reais a family, you should choose wisely and avoid making the same mistakes your dad and biological mom did. dont have kids with some jerk just cause hes to stupid to get a vasectomy. your kids will thank you and you will not be in devorce court when littel Tara is 3 years old.

David said...

praying that love will find you, and that it will be the lasting - fulfilling kind of love.