Monday, August 14, 2006

The motherhood talk...



I am now at an age where many, many people around me either have babies or are trying to conceive. I am surrounded in real life or in the blog community by people swapping baby pictures, sonogram pictures or fertility charts.

For some of us, conceiving will happen very naturally, almost too easily. Some of us will take a bit longer to achieve that goal but will eventually suceed. Some of us will need all the help we can get. And that may or may not work. For some of us, the little perfect plan we've made out about becoming parents will not be as dreamy as we planned...

What brought me to this subject on this Monday morning ?

A familly member has been trying to conceive for the past 5 years with no results. We really feel for her ; but she's also been an award winning bitch about it. SHE deserves a baby. SHE deserves better. HER story is the most heartbroken one. That after all that happened in her life, SHE deserves a baby. Blah, blah...

No, life isnt fair, I agree.

Her bitchiness brought up the familly history about our abilities to conceive.

Our youngest sister conceived, quite happily after all, using the very effective calendar method ( calendar she never got to buy... )and the coitus interruptus (really ?)... No whining here allowed and lots of laughts regarding their chosen contraceptive method.

My twin sister was told that she shouldn't be complaining neither since she's already got 2 kids. True. But when your life plan was to raise 4 kids, when you've been trying to conceive for the past 6 years, only to get a few miscarriages and missed cycles, you should be allowed to whine a bit. With or without kids, it still hurts.

The favorite judgemental argument ?

About me.

I lost an ovary at the age of 20; the remaining one is an hostile one that's not producing anything productive (or reproductive for that matter) . I've known since the age of 20 that I would not be able to conceive naturally. I should then not be allowed to complain : I know in advance that I won't get knocked up by just trying.

WHAT ??

Did I deserved what happened ? No. No more or less that the person who just learned, after a year or 2 of trying, that things won't happen the way they were planned. Knowing in advance doesn't make it any easier.

I just wish some people would be less self-centered or less judgemental about the making of parenthood. Every person, no matter the age, no matter the social status, religion or color, straight or gay, every person that wish to be a parent deserves to be. And no one deserves it more than the other.

17 comments:

KaraMia said...

Shrug it off, you're right, she's wrong. She doesn't deserve to be a parent any more then you and she doesn't have more of a right to be upset by how hard it's been then you.

Unfortunatley you can't change people..or maime them in any way...sad I know.

Calliope said...

wait- I TOTALLY deserve it more than some people!

just kidding!

xo

Just a trumpet player said...

Calliope : well, they say that with lots of pratice (or trying) you make the most beautiful babies... Watch out !!!!

Diane Mandy said...

Can I add one little thing (albeit a little off the subject). I do agree with you wholeheartedly. But I also think that women of a certain age who decided not to become parents should aso not be judged. Sometimes I feel like the only woman out there is is still (at 38 years old) totally undecided about the notion of being a parent.

Just a trumpet player said...

Diane Mandy :
I couldn't agree more with you. To be or not to be a parent should be a personnal decision, and one should not have to give any explications other than to himself ! (or a partner...)

And not being a parent should not be considered as ''missing out'' on something ...

November Rain said...

I so want to reach out and hug you...

I have 2 kids my son is 18 the 2oth of this month and my daughter will be 16 in nov

but me and my current husband dont have a child.. I lost the only baby I got pregnant with (miscarriage)

He and I have tried for 8 years..
did the calander-cycle thing
did shots given by the dr
did artificial insemination

and just when they were going to do invitro insemination my insurence decided to change thier policy

so I have to live and be happy ith the 2 I have (I feel for my husband though he is the only boy in his family)

but I know how frustration this process can be

I just want to reach out and hug you
and you have every right to open up and cry on a shoulder about not being able to concieve naturally

you need to bitch and complain (opens arms) I am here and listening

just dont do what we all have tendecy to do and blame yourself

(I know I did after my miscarriage) it isnt you

it is just the way life is


okay one more hug to you before I post this

utenzi said...

She does sound quite self-centered, JATP. I've known many people like that in my life but fortunately none are related to me. It's a lot harder to avoid relatives. Too bad for you since this woman sounds quite annoying!

Michele sent me to see you--and I'm a bit late in posting. Sorry!

Wordnerd said...

Hey -- first, I love the new design! Fantastic!

I agree with you -- I know that fertility problems are difficult, but to make oneself a victim is self-defeating. I'm a strong believer in the power of positive thinking -- her attitude cannot be helping her!

h&b said...

Oh, I hear you !

I know such deserving people with one child or two already ... having trouble getting any further along the sibling line.

None bitch or whine, although many are hurt by the comments of others.

I wish you much future fertility !

Spa Girl said...

I thought Michele sent ME, am I at the wrong house? lol
I'm 43 and can't have children. It bothered me until I hit my 40's, then I got over it.
Some folks just want to whine about something, and this family member sounds like a whiner. Tell her to do foster care or adopt.

Wordnerd said...

Oops -- forgot to tell you Michele sent me!

Dawn said...

I agree..I have a friend who is going through the same thing all all she does is cry because she is not pregnant...but hten she is crying becasue she wants to leave her husband and is cheating on him with another man...this is gods way of telling you that you are not ready for a baby...its not in his plan for you now...things just happen that way.

Michele sent me ;)

Carmi said...

I love your perspective, and wish I had read your words when we were going through miscarriages and heartbreak.

What bothers me is people's assumption that they have a "plan", that life simply HAS to adhere to that plan, and that they are somehow being ripped off if that doesn't happen.

I wish these folks would get real. Life unfolds according to its own damn whims. Sure, we can plan all we want, but at some point, we're simply along for the ride.

Whatever happens - baby, no baby, whatever - we should feel blessed that we're here to witness any of it. Anyone who whines otherwise deserves a smack on the head.

Paige said...

You said it "life is not fair". There is always someone out there that has it better, always (appears anyway) to get every thing they ever wanted. You and everyone else can only do so much. It can be hard to accept what we get, but I'm a firm believer in "it can always be worse"
Hi here by way of Michele's today.

J said...

Sorry she is being such a pain about the whole thing. Life is about relativity. The worse things and the best things in our lives are our starting points. The worse things in our lives may be the best things in other people's lives. Just because we have a pain doesn't mean we have to be one.

Sorry about your situation. It is no less difficult for you. I can only imagine.

Sparkling Diamond said...

If one really has the desire to be a parent...that is all that matters...not who deserves it more. It must really hurt to be told what you have been told.
Sometimes, when we let go of the angst of wanting something so badly...thats when we get it!
Best of luck to you!
Here from Michele's!

FUNKYBROWNCHICK said...

WOW!!! Very powerful post ...